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20 June 2009 @ 01:57 am
I'm really sad =*(  
and I cant stop crying.

Morgan and I got into a huge fight and aren't friends anymore.
Not only was it a fight, it was the end of a friendship fight.
and if I may add out first fight since we have been friends in 3 years.
First of all, I hate titles "best friend", "fiance", every time I saw it, its as if someone put a spill on every letter. I swear to u, the moment I begin calling someone my best friend, I get into a fight with them that week and ususally never are friends again. But I do like the term "boyfriend" and "husband". lol
I guess titles help u define things which then helps to cause stability and who doesnt like to know that they have this persom who's job is to fulfill that role and vise versa. Its a good feeling.
Lucky for me, I didnt use that term with Morgan until the year past. and after losing Vic who was my best friend I tried to be really careful with finding a "best friend". Although I have decided that I am dropping that term off my vocabulary. Its kinda like that theory people have about not believing in a soulmate, u know how people dont think there is ONLY 1 soulmate out there for them. Well thats how I now feel about a best friend and I'm gonna keep it that way.
Growing up, I had a really hard time with friends, I always moved my entire life, and between 1-12 grade, I went to 9 different schools. So I always seeked the meaning of a best friend and stablity. I was so desperate for acceptance that I would sale my soul to have a best friend, which along the way caused alot aLOT of heartache, loneliness, depression, ect. I guess I was really bad at choosing them, but when I also moved to the USA, I didnt speak a single word in english, which in return made me uncool, along with not knowing anything about whats cool to wear or like, to say that the kids weren't very nice, is an understatement. Although I've had a traumatize amount of horrible things done to me by kids. I'm lucky today to be able to make friends with anyone, I make friends in the line for the girls bathroom lol and I'm a great with leading a group because I can relate to so many people, and I have so many different friends all over the world and that are so different. I always had that leadership personality but I didnt know how to express it with broken english.
Well anyways....back to Mo
When Morgan and I hang out, its different. Our friendship doesnt surround itself around the ususal LA vibe, of going clubbing every time we see eachother, talking about celebs, and tv shows. We always hang out at a mellow place, such as a hookah bar, we enjoy horse back-riding, nature, hiking, world events. Our convos are about world issues, yoga, music writing and lyrics, family, our dreams, religion, art, ect. Now I know this sounds very much like common sense and thats what your suppose to talk to with friends. But understand that LA is LALA LAND! Your lucky & blessed to find 1 good friend out of id say over 2000, honestly, HONESTLY! So to me mine and Morgan's friendship is very unique, I think in our entire friend we have never seen a movie together in a theater, went clubbing maybeeeee once or twice...if that. I dunno how to explain it but its weird. We have a very very deep connection and refreshing. There isnt A SINGLE DAY that went by that we didnt talk. We talk every single day since the day we meet, weather its through, AIM, text, FB, call, or in person.

Lately she has been reallllly busy, but I believe that no matter how "BUSY" a person is they always have time to see someone if they 'REALLY' want to. We see eachother at least once a week since we meet and of course when I moved to NYC but when I would come back, I would see her the same day and we live about 40mins away from eachother maybe even longer.
Anyways, she has been acting odd along with busy. We both have been going through alot of personal family problems and others that are too private to reveal but I dont feel like she has been there for me, for 2 and a half weeks, she would make plans with me and I would go out of my way to make them work, and tell others I was busy to hang out with her and then she would cancel it over something stupid and I think she was making up alot of it. It really hurt my feeling the first time, and by the 3 and 4th, I didnt even care to see her anymore. I was just soooo hurt, I would call her, text her, FB her, message her, and she wouldnt even write back! About a week ago I had my cell phone disconnected cuz I didnt have $ to pay it, it was off for more then 5weeks, and I would always use others phones to call her and she would tell me she might come and never call back, i dunno lil things that end up adding to big things basically.
I wrote her an email saying "I'm done trying. I give up with u". Simple and to the point. I didnt call her for a week or even go out of my way and then she started to try to get a hold of me, but truthfully I was at a point where I could careless. I didnt even care to see her anymore cuz I was so hurt. She only tried, when I stopped but there was days after days that all she could have done was write on my wall on facebook saying "Hi, I miss u".
I had 2 free tickets to Disneyland and of course she is the first person I called, she once again made up a reason why she cant go. So this was last week, cuz I went to Disneyland on Thursday and the day before on Wed was when I got the tickets and u can only use them for Thursday, so after she said no, I just stopped calling her and ignored her.
Sunday, I went to go visit a close family friend that just had a baby a few days before that. I went with my little sister. I decided to finally reply to her text asking if we can hang out, I write back and then she says lets meet at 9:30pm or 10pm cuz she has to leave with her bf at 12am to Vegas, I said isnt 9:30pm kinda late, she was like ya ur right, ok nevermind. So I say how about 9pm, she is like u know what Carlos doesnt want me to go at all, he said its cutting it too close. I got mad cuz she didnt even tell me she was going and then I found out she is going for a week. I was like nice Morgan, again u make get me excited and then say never mind. We started fighting like crazy. I started blowing up cuz she was saying stupid shit like "my other friends understand, there my true friends" i went offffffff! i know all her friends for the must part, not well but how are u even gonna compare me to ur coworkers! wtf! If u knew them u would understand. of course her stupid other friends "understand" cuz they see her at work all week and they never hang out, out of work! Maybe once or twice a month. I dont remember what was said but she wrote "dont ever talk to me again" and then wrote "I always knew I would make it to your best friend grave yard" when she said that my heart drop! It was so hurtful! Who says that shit! Thats some shit Leron or Annie would say! Dirty fights. I hate those. U can never look back again and never is ever the same after you do it. It was back and forth on text for a good 2 or 3 hours. Until we said our goodbyes as friends. I wish I had some of her texts but I think I deleted it all afterwards and blocked her on AIM, yup all deleted.
I sent her that stupid poem I wrote for her and said I have no use for it.
I thought it would be good for her to go on that trip to Vegas & Crayon Cannon and reflect with it and remember what she is about to lose.
Yet every time I think of her, or see her pics, or see her name, I get teary eye in a matter of seconds!!!
Luckily I had a crazzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzY busy week, where every night I had pulled an all nighter, or slept max 3hrs, from Last Thurs-Fri. Which totally helps push back the feelings. I'm really good at that.
When something first happens I'm the queen of pushinggggg my feelings to Pluto! but let 2months past and it hits like a ton of bricks falling from the sky! BAMMMMM!!! I lose my mind! I can go a 2months and blocking my feelings, no emotion towards the subject and then I go crazy on the other side of the scale of extermes.
So now what.....
After a whole week of not exchange a single word, I saw she uploaded her pics from the trip about 3hrs ago and it made me sad cuz I was about to comment on it and then remembered...WAIT! I cant! We arent "friends" anymore. I changed my facebook status to:

"I hate her, cause I loved her, and she broke my heart."

I was sooooooo mad & sad! I couldnt stop crying!
I get an email from her saying:
"i want everything to be ok....i feel like apart of my soul is missing.....we need to work this out. "
I wrote:
"i do too! every time i think about it, i cant stop crying. even the thought of it crossing my mind for a second gets me teary eye =*( "

she then wrote me on facebook chat. She wants to meet tomorrow and to be quite honest, I dont think I can handle it.
When I start something, I dont always finish, BUT, what I do do is, I PUT MY WHOLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEE HEARTTTTTTTTTTTTT SOULLLLLLLLL AND LOVE INTO IT! I dont know how to do it any other way! Its all I know! I know how to go in not 100% or 110%, 120%! I give it my all! I follow the rules, I'm honest, and vulnerable and then someone CRUSHES IT!
and my fairy land castle shatters on the floor into sand like pieces. I get soooooooooo beyond disappointed I cant handle it. I know we could be friends but now I cant "really" be her friend again. I'll probably do what I did with the rest of the people I got into a huge fight with, or fix it and keep a HUGE WALL UP and not go out of my way like I did, just if its covenant for me. Like I did with Marina and the whole brides mate thing, where no I wont ever call her again, ya we talked about it, she wants me to be her brides mate now, but truthfully from the bottom of heart, I dont care anymore. I get so disappointed in people with there actions and the things they say that I become numb and truely dont care. So that cause happens or the crazy fight over the huge fight happens and then we never talk again.
Its just strange cuz I NEVERRRRRRRRR thought I'd ever not be friends with morgan and for her to say that she always knew she would make it into my "grave yard of best friend" hurtsss like blades all over my body being twisted.
I dont really wanna see her tomorrow.
I miss her and love her alot.
But I feel like I'm over it.
The trust is broken. I put so much trust into someone and the moment they take advantage of it, (sigh) its done.
I feel conflicted and sooooooo incredibly disappointed in her.

I've just done this so many times with so many people that truthfully, I dont have the power in me to even deal with it anymore.

Of course there is alot more detail to the things that lead me to be so hurt that she did, but thats gonna take too long to write.
Current Mood: crankyconflicated
Current Music: Never say Never - The Fray
sandra creating manasbilokonsky on June 20th, 2009 11:17 am (UTC)
sorry to hear things are crazy now..so hugs.
but i wanted to let you know i understand the whole making freinds thing- i can make friends with anyone-but it is those who are close to my heart ( which i have a hard time letting people in) that matter the most- so when shit happens with those friends it kills me inside.
if she loves you she will be back...
hofithofit on June 20th, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC)
thanks! kisses!
I'm glad otehrs can relate. =)
its a hard world out there but we always need to remember there is worse out there...
Catherineinaperfectday on June 20th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC)
You know I understand. It's so hard for me to let anyone in because I lose every single person it seems. She means alot to you, I know she does, otherwise you wouldn't have wasted time writing all that or be as hurt as you are. I think you should see what she has to say but be guarded.
hofit: pic#89589172hofit on June 20th, 2009 09:52 pm (UTC)
thanks lover! ya I know, ur a totally different story! I miss u!
Whats the safest airline company C, do u know? i thought u should cuz of ur interest in flying. I still cant believe u didnt go to that trip 2 Israel
Catherineinaperfectday on June 20th, 2009 11:21 pm (UTC)
I miss you too! :(
I don't know if anything is safe, I'm actually really afraid to fly right now. I'm driving to Vancouver next weekend instead of flying. It makes me nervous.
hofithofit on June 21st, 2009 12:42 am (UTC)
ya, i cant imagine driving over the ocean!
Catherineinaperfectday on June 21st, 2009 02:17 am (UTC)
Haha! No, I think I'd rather fly. ;)
Heidi: NYCbeautifulloverr on October 29th, 2009 02:36 am (UTC)
Hey Kim! Add me to this one please. :)
karatarakaratara on February 21st, 2010 10:26 am (UTC)
That's life ... with twists ...
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